Crossroads - I

One week after I started my four-day run of IV Solu-Medrol and the results are not stellar. My balance is so-so, but I find it easier to get up from my glider chair. Around the house, my aid of choice is a single forearm crutch as it leaves me with one hand free to carry stuff, but it also doesn't give me much real support -- sure, I can catch myself if I start to tip, but it's, right now, not feeling like it's enough. My house is friggin' tiny - 960 sf - so a walker would work, but furniture might have to be rearranged in spots. A w/c is out of the question.

That little voice in my head is telling me to prepare for changes. Changes that will probably come with the heat of summer. I need to get my proverbial ducks in a row so that I am ready. You know, the "plan for the worst, hope for the best" mantra I've been chanting for lo, these 27 years. That works like a charm - because once you have addressed all the contingencies, you don't have to give them any more energy - leaving you to use all your resources to "self-healing," for lack of a better term. And by self-healing, I don't mean making the MS go away - I mean coming to a place where you are at peace with your present moment. It's so hard, well, impossible really, to be at peace when you have worries.

First thing I need to do is get organized and make a plan. Then I need to round up some help. When it comes to 'planning ahead' for anything to do with MS, my husband is worthless. If it's not happening now, it's a non-issue for him. He does not plan ahead. So for this I know he doesn't have my back, and I'll just have to take care of myself. I'm very hopeful that he'll come around, because he really isn't a bad person - just one who is in major denial.

Of all my friends and sorority sisters, there are two whom I trust implicitly. One who helped me when I was first diagnosed, and the other who was staying with me last week. The first one lives in Seattle, and I need to re-connoiter with her. The other may be going to Georgia for two months, but also may end up staying with us later this summer, at least for awhile. (And especially because she may lose her GAU benefits if the current proposed State budget is approved.)

In addition to just changing my bed and painting, etc. [Herrad, you are right - I am so looking forward to that!], I need someone who is good at organization to help me cull my junk. Friend #1 would be really good at this. I believe it is so true that your environment is a reflection of what's going on internally. My bedroom is a pit, and the area where I sit in the living room is as well. It definitely is a reflection of the chaos that I feel inside, but seem able to sublimate. All I know is, this has to change.

I didn't make any notes before I started posting this, and I know there is so much more I need to express, but it's just falling through the cracks, so I guess this will end up being a discursive, ongoing topic to be re-visited until I wrap my brain around what changes I need to make, and how I'm best going to manage them. I'm just feeling the need to strengthen myself for a ride.

Good Night, TTYL and Be Well.