And Still it Comes

Today, the day that shall remain "in infamy," my computer went to blackscreen at the auspicious time of High Noon.  It is only because we retained my first laptop that I bought in 2000 (or so), a Dell Inspiron 8000, that I am able to post at all.

I have, at least temporarily, lost everything -- and I can't tell you when I last ran a back-up, because that's not my job; I don't "get" computers and don't know of such things, and the powers that be, while adept at, say, getting this old thing to keep on working as our fall-back 'puter, isn't so current on maintaining my other one.



Life sucks; MS sucks, and I've just dropped a boat-load of money on two new pair of eyeglasses. Sears doesn't have the offers they used to. Instead of letting me use my old regular frames for my new readers, they have changed all of their lens-shapes so that you have to move on to a newly shaped frame -- also, the Dr's exam isn't included as it was the previous two times I went there, so tack on $70 for that and grand total is $470!  I have never spent that much money on glasses in my life, and all this for a "tweaking' of my Rx so that I can read without straining, and switch pairs and clearly watch TV  (or the world go 'round) also without straining.


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After my first night in my new Hospital Bed, I realized that DH and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye regarding how to arrange things for ease of reach for me...... I have such stubby arms that make reaching behind me very difficult. In order to do this I have to fully recline so that the head of my bed is even with the night stand. But I can't turn from side-to-side very well, and this leaves me still limited. This is going to take some time, I can tell.

It also HIT me yesterday morning that things weren't ever going to get any  better for me than they are right now. Since this Summer, mid July, when I suddenly was no longer able to stand to help DH do a proper pivot transfer, I've been on a slippery slope. I don't know what it is that I needed, but I do know that I didn't get it. I was not my best advocate. It all came creeping up on me. And here I am. 

 Yesterday morning, I was very sad with this "sudden realization" that my phycality was not going to improve, and I mentioned it to DH, and what I heard in his response was, "And you are now just figuring this out?" followed by any manner of sarcasms. Always followed by,"Oh honey, I was just kidding."    I didn't get the sympathy or even the empathy that I so yearned for. Instead, well, ... nothing.


Going over this with him today, he doesn't recollect saying anything of the sort. It must be more if my MS MEMORY LAPSES, which, according to him, only I have; his (getting older) memory lapses don't exist.  [and, psst --- they do.]
 

I have to do some Zentangle to see if I can get into a better space. Life is feeling claustrophobic right now. 

Good Day to you,